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tfln

01. i'm eating cereal out of my jacket pocket right now.

02. sorry, can't. i have plans to go missing and endangered

03. What's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car?

04. You tried to convince us all that you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

05. [Text her.]

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m: tfln

tfln

01. what are you talking about? how drunk are you?

02. I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

03. As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.

04. i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

05. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. at one point i went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair
i'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself
i don't know how you got there

02. You did what to who now?

03. So you're really still calling yourself straight, huh?

04. On the plus side of not sleeping in three days, every moment feels like the right time for breakfast foods.

05. [Text her.]

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m: random

fmk meme

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gen texts

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tfln

01. I called you last night? What did I say?

02. he is really drunk but I just found $777 so it's like I am being paid to babysit

03. I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you The Ugly Duckling, and then tucked you in. I don't think you have room to lecture me about responsibility right now.

04. I feel as if some line has been crossed but only in this vague WTF sort of way

05. [Text her.]

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midnight texting

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tfln

01. I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor.

02. Are you asking me on a date where we get shitfaced and do some fingerpainting?

03. I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan

04. I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.

05. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

02. I told a kid that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

03. I can't tell if you're asking me for permission or for my blessing.

04. Just because I trust you with my life doesn't mean I trust you around either explosives or sharp tools

05. are you the reason I woke up without pants?

06. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing on his face

02. so i'm not 100% sure, but i think someone gave me a bath last night.

03. I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

04. he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

05. [Text her.]

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midnight texting

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tfln

01. Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

02. Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

03. How can you expect me to keep your secrets if you keep on telling me them?

04. I'm hibernating. Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in the cold. See you in spring. Or summer maybe.

05. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. Apparently you made everyone omelets last night. Even when you're drunk, you're still a trophy wife.

02. If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it.

03. Turns out, she's surprisingly cuddly.

04. No no, I remember falling down the stairs. I just don't remember it hurting.

05. [Text her.]

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gen texts

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tfln

01. You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

02. You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

03. My hobbies include knowing and being right

04. You took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

05. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. we can ignore that advice.

02. go ahead and get in the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose

03. She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?

04. Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

05. [Text her.]

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gen texts

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tfln

01. New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

02. If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

03. Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

04. You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double-fisting burritos from Taco Bell.

05. [Text her.]

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tfln

01. he fell asleep and they taped him to the floor. he's pissed.

02. Give me one good reason why I should go with you.

03. He kept hiding under tables and grabbing peoples' legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

04. That still doesn't explain why I woke up in your clothes in my bed?

05. [Text her.]